Say What

I remember the first time I heard it. Just Do It. I thought do what? Well the answer is obvious isn’t it? Do IT. Why am I doing it though, just to do it, I don’t think so. Now, I am one of Michael Jordan’s biggest fans. I was smart enough to realize he is the best basketball player in history, present and future. By the way, this is an undisputable fact, and if you think otherwise you are wrong. I liked Mike and I watched Mike, every chance I got. I saw the Nike commercials a lot (by the way “a lot” is 2 words, gosh that makes me mad when people screw this up). But this Just Do It. That’s dumb. That could apply to anything. He buy these shoes and when you rob a bank you can run faster and get away, Just Do It. Well I Just Didn’t Get It.



Nike has pounded this into our brain for about 15-20 years, sorry that’s as close as I can find without doing a research paper to get the birth of this. We all went along with it too (by the way, ”along” is 1 word, this doesn’t bother me at all because I never thought about it until now).

But Nike isn’t the only company with some motto that makes no sense. Now motto and slogan are almost the same thing and I am calling it a motto so get over it. We are full of these, chocked full of these dare I say. I walked by a UPS truck today, you know the whole “What can brown do for you” (WCBDFY) people. Now, WCBDFY is actually not that bad. But the truck didn’t say that, it said “Synchronizing the World of Commerce”. I need a thesaurus to understand this. That has been UPS’ motto for 5 years(I did look this up). No kidding 5 years, and I never once heard this and I bet you didn’t either. Because 5 years ago, when they dreamed this up, all I ever heard on a UPS commercial was, come on you remember? “Dale we want you to drive the truck”. They drove that down our throats with Dale Jarrett trying to get him to drive the truck in a NASCAR race, by the way it stopped being funny around commercial #2. The whole time it turns out their motto is “Synchronizing the World of Commerce”. That is better than “Complicating box moving to save our company as much money as possible so we can match the prices of the United States Postal Service.” I mean that is actually the extended definition of what the motto is.

So I got to thinking, who writes this crap, I actually said that after I read the UPS truck. I thought about other mottos. From the complex to simple, most of them make no sense or just dress up what they really do. I listed below what the mottos are of some of the things we see a lot (2 words) and what I think they actually intended.

Let’s start with government:

Los Angeles Police Department – Protect and Serve, or beat you into submission.

New York Police department – Faithful Until Death, more than likely yours.

Ba’ath Party – Yes the Ba’ath party has a motto, these are the same people who’s most famous member was Saddam Hussein - Unity, Freedom , Socialism, which translated to English means, kill your whole family.

Automobiles:

Toyota – Moving forward, unless your backing out of your driveway in a Corolla.

Ford – Quality is Job 1! or We’re broke as hell

Chevrolet – Like a Rock - makes no sense, why am I driving or would I want to drive a rock

Chrysler – Engineered Beautifully, but runs like crap, looks good broke down on the side of the road though.

I have to throw in a side bar here, I actually saw a Porsche broke down on the side of the road the other day. I didn’t recognize what it was, because I never saw one with the hood up, until I read Porsche on the back of it. Kinda like an ex-girlfriend I had. I never realized she had a drinking problem until she came home sober once.

Computers:

Dell – Easy as Dell, huh, no one, absolutely no one besides Bill Gates really knows how computers work, so nothing is easy. Example, what would we do if we turn on our computer and it doesn’t work? We take it to Best Buy and they tell us it’s outdated and we buy a new one, see they don’t know how they work either. That’s also the real reason we don’t turn them off.

Apple – Think Different, or, this computer may be better, but no one buys them, you just see them in the movies (pay attention, you will).

GateWay – Learn More/Live Better, makes a little sense, but I am smarter than George W. and he is making a fortune and I ain’t. But no one wants to kill me, at least as far as I know. I guess things have a way of evening out.

Cell phone providers:

Verizon – Can you here me? Good! - You’re joking right, you never see this guy on an elevator do you.

Sprint – Where customers come first. What a novel idea

T-Mobile – Get more, see Sprint

Retail:

Walmart – Save Money, Live Better – They should have stopped with Save Money

JC Penny’s – Every Day Matters – I have absolutely no idea what this means, someone hired their brother-in-law and put him in charge of marketing.

Macy’s – The Magic of Macy’s – Guess what folks, magic costs more.

Food:

With a name like Smuckers it has to be good. Well if it tasted like crap you could call it whatever you want and no one would buy it.

Miracle Whip - A sandwich just isn’t a sandwich without it, oh yeah, Peanut Butter and Jelly is.

Tony’s Pizza – Take Home Some Good Italian – Beats Tony Soprano showing up at your house.

Now these are just a small sample of the stupidity in the world, trust me it’s all around you just look at the people you work with. I assure you the people at Ritz Cracker are no more intelligent, their product is just on TV.