Never Again

I have heard and seen people that stayed all night the night before the Black Friday sale, but the earliest I ever got in line was 2:45 AM. That was Best Buy a few years ago.

This year I got in line for the $198 laptops in Wal Mart at 11:45 PM. This is how it went.

I greeted everyone in line and then left to walk around. I let my cart hold my place.



I found ten fold up bar stools and gave everyone in line for the laptop one. I am now a hero. I also have positioned myself the appropriate distance from everyone in line so as not to catch anything. You know the number 1 place to get pig flu is at Wal-Mart, so I'm told.



Uh oh, there's an associate asking about the stools, might be trouble. Everyone is stonewalling them. They went away. That was close.



Uh oh again. Managers coming. More trouble. They're having a little conference. Got my head down. They confiscated the stools. If they review the security cameras I'm busted.



Now we stand. They also moved our line. We may be on probation. One more funny move and we're out a here. It's now 1:30.



People are getting nervous. They now fear since we moved we aren't in the correct place. The guy in the back of the line is saying he's in the front. They're calling the manager back.



Ok manager Jo, female, made her appearance and they made her say to everyone in line what this line is for and where it starts. Jesh. It's now 2:00



Holy cow manager Jo is back and she says they have 37 laptops and for everyone to calm down.



Manager Jo is back again. We have officially become the trouble makers. Dang stool scam backfired. She is making the lady sitting in the Sponge Bob chair put it away. She claims it's a safety hazard. She told everyone in line they cannot sit on the floor. Little does she know I would gnaw off my feet and stand on my bloody ankles before sitting on this floor.



If you are in line you have to be standing. I always knew the endurance I built up selling newspapers as a teenager would pay off. I'm a stalwart.



The laptops are here. Everyone is counting. Now they are counting the people in line. It's 2:30. We have confirmed manager Jo's numbers and 37 is correct. Now we wait.



Or not. Everyone’s wondering if it's wi-fi.



I checked it out on my phone and it is. I'm the hero again. But this crowd can turn in a heartbeat.



Now every time someone from the back of the row walks up, they eyeball them all the up and back



Just got word from the TV section that their stools were taken as well. Tonya is back there getting a TV.



Manager Jo back. She just threw down the one laptop per person gauntlet. Now everyone’s fired up again. 3:00



I saw this coming a couple hours ago and since I needed 2 (btw, neither was for myself, but for friends kids) I started talking Kentucky basketball with the guy behind me. And no one can talk UK basketball like me. I mean 7 national championships, 13 final fours, 42 SEC Championships, 25 SEC tournament championships, most wins all-time. It's like a recording in my brain. I hit play and my mouth just starts talking. I could go on and on. Rupps Runts, Fab Five, Untouchables, Comeback Cats. You get the idea. I dazzle him with stats of things he's never even thought about. He is here with his girlfriend and doesn't want one she does. He's grabbing the 2nd for me. Its 3:10.



We are in the frozen food aisle and the girl behind me notices that Kellogg is having an eggo waffle shortage. She heard it on the radio and didn't believe but now she knows it's true. I fake interest because I need her boyfriend Johnny to get my 2nd laptop.



Btw way while he was gone she confided in me that she calls him Bravo after the cartoon Johnny Bravo.



We now have 2 of Wal-Mart’s finest guarding the laptops. It became apparent we were not mature enough to stand in line.



I just received word that they are sitting down in TVs. I announce it through the line and now everyone is mad again and threatening to sit down.



They just announced all sales associates in the building except the 2 guys watching our row to come up front for a meeting. 90 minutes to go.



Manager Jo's back. She is handing out tickets. If you have to go to the restroom you have to give the guard your ticket and you have 15 minutes or you lose your spot.



My buddy and I both have tickets and now they are making us get in a straight line and they are counting us. Also if you don't have a ticket you have to get out of line.



I know you must think I'm making this up but it is all happening.



Uh oh Johnny's girlfriend wants him to leave and get her mom a gps. Come on Bravo be strong for me. I'm going to bribe him. Hold on. 80 minutes to go.



I made a little small talk. Bravo is standing tall. I slipped him a 20.



58 minutes to go and people are starting to say they will never do this again.



Now that there are as many people as laptops everyone has calmed down slightly.



Holy cow I turned around and Bravo's gone. I think the 20 oz coffee got to him.



Bravo's back. He needed an energy drink. 47 minutes.



We now have 4 people guarding the laptops.



It's 5:00 time to go.



Ok the lines moving.



I got them both. 5:04



Time to find the wife.



Checking out now. 5:45



Time for breakfast and bed.

Black Friday 2009

I remember that first morning outside KB Toys 10 years ago. The store opened up at 6 and I got there at 5:45, thinking I knew everything. After I got into the store at 7, I picked up the things I could still get and went to the cash register thinking this ain't so bad. People complain about the crowds, lines, wait, but I got all my stuff in 1:15 and was one person away from checking out when it happened. A store employee tapped me on the shoulder. That single incident is why we are here now. Because what she told me has scarred me to this day. She said sir, you need to get in line to check out. I said, I'm good right here. She said No, you're at the cash register, you need to get in the line to get in the line at the cash register. I had wondered why all those people were standing against the wall, but I thought they were waiting for something else. The line stretched around the perimeter of the store from the front to the back to the side to the front. It took me 2 hours to check out. This gave me a lot of time to think, since I don't usually converse with strangers. And I thought, and I thought, and I thought, there must be a better way to do this.

Well another year has come and gone and just like Microsoft it's time for another edition. This how to shop on Black Friday 2009. I used to say I was not an expert on this, but let's not kid ourselves anymore and get rid of the false humility. I am an expert on "How to" on the day after Thanksgiving along with a lot of other things that we aren't going into today. But let's say you need a good deal on a tractor, I'm your guy. I earned Black Friday expertise status in 2004, when I camped outside Best Buy for my boys Playstation 2 in the rain while sitting in a fold up chair wearing a poncho. Or was it when I withstood the sleet of 2002 at Toys-r-us. Could have been in 2007 at Circuit City, all I remember was it was cold and the people around me must have thought talking would keep you warm because they did not shut up for a second in 3 hours. But enough about me there's plenty of time for that. Let's get on with the 4th edition of How to Shop on Black Friday. The rules have changed somewhat since last year, when an employee of Walmart was killed in a stampede in New York. Walmart has changed the way they do business in an effort to control the mobs, but actually just not get sued again.

Now don't believe all the bad stuff you hear about this day. I absolutely despise shopping but have a great time, so try it at least once for yourself. Also, you are not going to get everything on your list so shoot for 50% and anything over that is a bonus. You ask, oh Great Teacher, how is this possible. Follow the rules below young grasshopper and soon the student may become the master(that's Kung Fu, for the under 30 crowd).

The biggest and best shopping day by far is Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. It has the name because up until then retailers books are in the red, that means negative until this day. Most stores run sales that are somewhat extreme, in an effort to get you in there with hopes you will buy more, and you will if you aren't careful. I went to Best Buy a few years ago with the intention of getting a PS2 and some games and spent $1000. These kinds of thing will happen if you don't have a plan. So from start to finish this is how you can proceed without buying a $1000 PS2.

First thing you do Thanksgiving is buy a newspaper. Do this early, before 9, because stores will run out and you will spend $20 in gas trying to find one. When you get a newspaper buy more than one. Why, first because the paper is only $1. Second you don't want to share with your spouse or kids. This may seem selfish, but it is the only way to go and this point is nonnegotiable and this is why. You are going to subject this newspaper to the most inhumane conditions possible. It will be flipped through, wadded up, dropped, thrown, rained on, crumpled, yes crumpled, more than any paper should. Depending on how aggressive you are, you may actually be reading this thing in the emergency room because someone stupid knocked over a pile of DVD players on you and you need stitches. So buy a newspaper for everyone that will be looking at the paper. We get two, because it is only the wife and I.

After you get "your" newspaper, put it away until you have time to go through it. If not this is what's going to happen. Your cheap (pick one), brother, cousin, sister, in-law, etc. is going to see it while you are busy serving them your food and they will rummage through it like an animal in a dumpster and you will be left with a mess. This is a bad way to start Black Friday. Once the freeloader express has left your house, you can sit down and go through the ads in an orderly fashion.

Now the next guideline is almost impossible but it's worth a try. Look at the same ad as whoever you are going with at the same time. This is a good time for that communication thing with your loved one(s). Also you can share with them things you might want in an effort to maximize your Christmas experience. You should always tell people what you would like for special occasions. This way if you don't get it you can blame them and say "I told you I wanted a sweater". After all the meaning of life is to always push blame on people that are not you and if you say something stupid like "I don't care what you get me, I'm sure I'll like it", you are going to get a crappy gift and it is your fault. Now if you are paying attention when you go through the ads it will become clear where you should begin your plight. You now have the beginning of a great plan. Make a list of everything you want and circle it in the ads. You need to circle it, don't question the master, if you're not going to follow the instructions go read someone else's blog. Trust me, when hoards of people are rushing by you at your first stop because you're fumbling though your ads looking for the $59.99 gps, you will wish you circled it.

Something to consider is the weather, because you will need to get to the store 2 hours before they open if you want to get the best bang for your buck. If this is a problem, you should stay home. If it is going to be very cold, raining, snowing, and you don't like those things, find a store that will be open before the sale starts. Some, but not all 24 hour stores are open before the sale starts and you can wait inside until the sale starts. Meijer is usually open, as most Malls. Wal-Mart is open this year, as a matter of fact they are not closing most of them Thanksgiving. But, you should call ahead of time to the store you are going to and quiz them. Find out everything you can. Best Buy will pass out vouchers for some of their door buster sales (although after the stampede at Wal-Mart, look for most stores to stay away from calling anything a Door Buster this year) to the people in line, to keep the crowd under somewhat control. If you have to go to a Best Buy and it's raining make your husband wait in line while you sleep in the car. On the surface this too may seem selfish, but this entire day is about maximizing. Explain to him that once in the store his job will be to get in line early while you finish the shopping list. Men are always more productive when you give them an assignment that they feel is important. Once again we have maximized our assets. If you don't have a husband, find a man, get him extremely drunk and place him in line at Best Buy in a comfortable chair and he will probably not wake up until you are long gone. Either way, mission accomplished. But it is best to go with a partner, man, woman, etc. Also, make sure your phone is charged and you have it with you, both are important.

Now that we have figured out where we are going, we are going to test your Black Friday knowledge. If you chose any hardware store, Radio Shack, Walgreens, Sears, automotive stores to start with, start over. These stores do not offer you the bang for the buck we are looking for. Now don't freak out because you can get good stuff at Sears. This is the deal with them, because most people will go to Sears for one reason and if you go there for any other reason you really needed to read this, TOOLS. The great thing about Sears is they make their own tools, and they make a lot of them so they usually don't run out. This not a guarantee so don't freak out if they run out of digital torpedo levels and you don't get one. If you get 50% of the stuff you set out for you are doing good. Also, in case you're not hip on tools, Craftsman hand tools are a very good brand to buy because they are guaranteed for life. A hand tool is something where your hand does the work, like a screwdriver. Don't confuse this with a drill because you hold it with your hand, that would be a power tool, and not guaranteed for life and cheaper elsewhere. But some guys like everything to be Craftsman and that's all right too.

Now we have definitely figured out our starting point, go to bed (read the rest of this first). Get as much sleep as possible. Wake up 3 hours before your first store opens, get ready, get in line. This is what you will need to take. Dress for the occasion. If it is cold, dress twice as warm as you normally would. This is because you are old and you don't go outside when it's cold any longer than walking to your car. This is not a fashion show so dress warm. If you own coveralls, wear them, if not borrow them. Hat, gloves, warm boots, two pair of socks, scarf. You should take YOUR SALES ADS, a chair, coffee, hot chocolate, food, cell phones, CASH (you do not want a credit card glitch or debit card daily limit to mess up your day, plus some stores have registers that accept only cash and you can get out quicker). You will need to go to the bank Wednesday and get money because it's closed Thursday, duh, that's Thanksgiving. Two hours pass a lot quicker with these things. Now depending on who you are going with bring the following items also.

MAN-WOMAN - bring a dvd player, mp3 player, newspaper, a book, magazine.

MAN-MAN – two of everything above

WOMAN-WOMAN – nothing you will talk for two hours like it's nothing.

15 minutes before the store opens one of you take everything to the car.

OK, now the fun starts, the store opens. At this moment you have these things with you. Your list, this particular store's ad, money. Once you get in do not rely on your familiarity with the store because sale items could be piled anywhere there is room, find an associate and ask him/her where everything on your list is. Don't show them your list, show them the ad and point to the photo in the ad and tell them what it is. Don't be afraid to put them to work by asking them to go get something for you, but beware you may never see that person again. Now it's important you pick out an associate that looks like they:

1. Speak English, unless you speak their language as well

2. Worked there longer than a week

3. An older person, 30 and up. Male or female doesn't matter. Men tend to know where more things are, women are likely to help you more, you can make up your own mind.

This may seem to take longer, but you have now identified where your items are and can find them and leave. One of the keys to a successful day is getting out of the first store fast and moving on. Once you and your partner get within a few items one of you has got to get in line while the other finishes. If your turn in line comes up before your partner returns just let people in front of you. If an associate says you can't do that, first try to ignore them, if that doesn't work agree with them and do it anyway while getting on the phone with your partner and hurrying them up. The idea is to get out of the first store within 15 minutes of it opening. You're now off to the next store.

Now most stores have multiple locations so if you plan on going to Meijer then Wal-Mart, shop at the locations that are close together. May seem simple but many people don't think ahead when there are $3 dvd's on sale.

Once at the second store, one of you get in the checkout line while the other starts with their list. You use the same formula of finding an associate and getting the location of everything. You will be here for a lot longer because the line is going to be long. If it appears you will be in line for a lengthy period of time(more than an hour) a great approach would be to take all your merchandise and hide it in the store and come back after the next store. Now this is going to require some common sense. You want to hide your stuff in an area that there isn't much traffic or likelihood of someone buying the stuff you hide your stuff behind, thus finding your stuff. Do not try to hide stuff in restrooms or areas of the store you should not be in, this may result in your arrest and end Black Friday for you. An example of a good place in Wal-Mart to hide something would be automotive, hardware, or where they sell cloth for sewing. Before you hide your stuff make sure there isn't a register open in an obscure department where no one is in line. Also make sure you return to the store before the early bird sale is over, thus defeating your purpose.

Now on to the third store. At this point you can count on only getting 1 or 2 things on your list. By now you have been shopping for about an hour to an hour and a half. Look for the stuff on your list scope out checkout lines, do what you need to do to get out of the store.

Once you go to all the big name places on your list it is a good time to go to the stores you were supposed to stay away from at the start, but keep your eye on the clock, remember by now we got stuff hidden all over this end of town that we have to get before the early bird sale ends. Sears is a good pick here. If you go there they have good sales on tools and shoes. I always buy a pair of tennis shoes at Sears. Use the checkout line in electronics or appliances, no one buys stuff from that department at Sears on this particular day and it's a quick exit. After this you can go back to the stores you have hidden stuff, the lines should be more realistic now and you can get the rest of your stuff.

Some final tips on Black Friday shopping

1. Go to www.bfads.net to look at the ads before they come out and give yourself more time to decide where you will be going. These start popping up in October and are added to as Black Friday approaches.

2. Be nice to everyone. We are all paying $3 a gallon for gas and milk and we are all in this together. There is no reason to be rude to people shopping and especially people working. There is not enough money to get me to work at a store on this day. If they are out of what you wanted, it is what it is and you should move on. I have never had a confrontation in the many times I have done this over any items.

3. Best Buy sometimes(nothing in this tutorial is guaranteed) gives out doughnuts and coffee before they open. They also open the doors and let twice the legal limit of people in the store.

4. Call everyone you know that's going on this day and stay in communication with them to see if they can save you a trip to a store you are only getting one thing.

5. Don't get frustrated because you didn't get the big thing you wanted. There are no guarantees on this day so be excited about the stuff you got, because you should have saved enough money to buy the thing you didn't get for the regular price and still save money.

6. Thank God you don't work in retail this day.

Good Luck and Have Fun