Never Again

I have heard and seen people that stayed all night the night before the Black Friday sale, but the earliest I ever got in line was 2:45 AM. That was Best Buy a few years ago.

This year I got in line for the $198 laptops in Wal Mart at 11:45 PM. This is how it went.

I greeted everyone in line and then left to walk around. I let my cart hold my place.



I found ten fold up bar stools and gave everyone in line for the laptop one. I am now a hero. I also have positioned myself the appropriate distance from everyone in line so as not to catch anything. You know the number 1 place to get pig flu is at Wal-Mart, so I'm told.



Uh oh, there's an associate asking about the stools, might be trouble. Everyone is stonewalling them. They went away. That was close.



Uh oh again. Managers coming. More trouble. They're having a little conference. Got my head down. They confiscated the stools. If they review the security cameras I'm busted.



Now we stand. They also moved our line. We may be on probation. One more funny move and we're out a here. It's now 1:30.



People are getting nervous. They now fear since we moved we aren't in the correct place. The guy in the back of the line is saying he's in the front. They're calling the manager back.



Ok manager Jo, female, made her appearance and they made her say to everyone in line what this line is for and where it starts. Jesh. It's now 2:00



Holy cow manager Jo is back and she says they have 37 laptops and for everyone to calm down.



Manager Jo is back again. We have officially become the trouble makers. Dang stool scam backfired. She is making the lady sitting in the Sponge Bob chair put it away. She claims it's a safety hazard. She told everyone in line they cannot sit on the floor. Little does she know I would gnaw off my feet and stand on my bloody ankles before sitting on this floor.



If you are in line you have to be standing. I always knew the endurance I built up selling newspapers as a teenager would pay off. I'm a stalwart.



The laptops are here. Everyone is counting. Now they are counting the people in line. It's 2:30. We have confirmed manager Jo's numbers and 37 is correct. Now we wait.



Or not. Everyone’s wondering if it's wi-fi.



I checked it out on my phone and it is. I'm the hero again. But this crowd can turn in a heartbeat.



Now every time someone from the back of the row walks up, they eyeball them all the up and back



Just got word from the TV section that their stools were taken as well. Tonya is back there getting a TV.



Manager Jo back. She just threw down the one laptop per person gauntlet. Now everyone’s fired up again. 3:00



I saw this coming a couple hours ago and since I needed 2 (btw, neither was for myself, but for friends kids) I started talking Kentucky basketball with the guy behind me. And no one can talk UK basketball like me. I mean 7 national championships, 13 final fours, 42 SEC Championships, 25 SEC tournament championships, most wins all-time. It's like a recording in my brain. I hit play and my mouth just starts talking. I could go on and on. Rupps Runts, Fab Five, Untouchables, Comeback Cats. You get the idea. I dazzle him with stats of things he's never even thought about. He is here with his girlfriend and doesn't want one she does. He's grabbing the 2nd for me. Its 3:10.



We are in the frozen food aisle and the girl behind me notices that Kellogg is having an eggo waffle shortage. She heard it on the radio and didn't believe but now she knows it's true. I fake interest because I need her boyfriend Johnny to get my 2nd laptop.



Btw way while he was gone she confided in me that she calls him Bravo after the cartoon Johnny Bravo.



We now have 2 of Wal-Mart’s finest guarding the laptops. It became apparent we were not mature enough to stand in line.



I just received word that they are sitting down in TVs. I announce it through the line and now everyone is mad again and threatening to sit down.



They just announced all sales associates in the building except the 2 guys watching our row to come up front for a meeting. 90 minutes to go.



Manager Jo's back. She is handing out tickets. If you have to go to the restroom you have to give the guard your ticket and you have 15 minutes or you lose your spot.



My buddy and I both have tickets and now they are making us get in a straight line and they are counting us. Also if you don't have a ticket you have to get out of line.



I know you must think I'm making this up but it is all happening.



Uh oh Johnny's girlfriend wants him to leave and get her mom a gps. Come on Bravo be strong for me. I'm going to bribe him. Hold on. 80 minutes to go.



I made a little small talk. Bravo is standing tall. I slipped him a 20.



58 minutes to go and people are starting to say they will never do this again.



Now that there are as many people as laptops everyone has calmed down slightly.



Holy cow I turned around and Bravo's gone. I think the 20 oz coffee got to him.



Bravo's back. He needed an energy drink. 47 minutes.



We now have 4 people guarding the laptops.



It's 5:00 time to go.



Ok the lines moving.



I got them both. 5:04



Time to find the wife.



Checking out now. 5:45



Time for breakfast and bed.