Nothing Fancy

New Year

2009-12-31T23:30:00.002-05:00

With the decade winding down I am reminded of where I was at the end the last one. It’s a sure sign of old age when you start thinking of your life in 10 year spans. But this is a little different because ten years ago was a special year. The man known as Love symbol #2 actually wrote a song about it in the 80’s where he sang about partying like it’s 1999. If we had only been smart enough in the 80’s to patent the moniker Y2K, we would not be reading this because we could have retired.

Boy we were all scared the electric was going to shut off, the water stop working, street lights would be green and red or neither, our cars wouldn’t start, our 56k modems would not let us download email. What were we going to do, our doors would unlock, or lock, our kids would start showing respect, hold on that wasn’t one. Our Christmas trees would burst into flames because of electrical issues. Our microwave ovens would stop working, a tragedy for this generation.

For a facility guy or gal, this was nothing less than a natural disaster on the horizon. We were absolutely certain, without a doubt, our HVAC, fire alarm, electric doors, card access system, security, irrigation, light panels, emergency generator, etc, were not only going to stop working, they may actually explode at the stroke of midnight. Someone actually fed this to us, and we ate it up like a Thanksgiving dinner.

Depending on the size of your operation at the time you spent thousands or tens of thousands on consultants, equipment, supplies, overtime for your engineers, who no doubt wanted holiday pay for working New Years Eve (I know I did and I got it). I was at work at 11, stayed until 2, realizing little by little we were all duped.

As I checked system after system, I became enlightened that Y2K, was actually BFJ, with the B standing for Big, the J standing for joke and you fill in the blank. A group of people got rich quick and we all helped them do it.

Once nothing happened we had to then say, we were prepared, to justify our actions. With the Y2K hoax in our rear view mirror, someone, Al Gore, had to create a new crisis. This time they did it a little smarter than last. You see until the icebergs actually melt, completely, there is always a scare the Earth is actually warming. Quite genius of them this time, something that cannot be proven either way for a long, long time. Both sides have been caught lying so much who can you believe. Well I didn’t believe Al Gore when he said he invented the internet, said he won the 2000 Presidential election and I don’t believe him now. As a matter of fact I wouldn’t take him in a spelling bee with Dan Quayle.

So as for me and my house in KY, the only Green thing I plan on doing is recycling cans at a local small church for foreign missionaries. That is until the water from the icebergs reach downtown La Grange, then, I am definitely switching to paper from plastic.

Happy New Year

Never Again

2009-11-30T09:36:00.006-05:00

I have heard and seen people that stayed all night the night before the Black Friday sale, but the earliest I ever got in line was 2:45 AM. That was Best Buy a few years ago.

This year I got in line for the $198 laptops in Wal Mart at 11:45 PM. This is how it went.

I greeted everyone in line and then left to walk around. I let my cart hold my place.

I found ten fold up bar stools and gave everyone in line for the laptop one. I am now a hero. I also have positioned myself the appropriate distance from everyone in line so as not to catch anything. You know the number 1 place to get pig flu is at Wal-Mart, so I'm told.

Uh oh, there's an associate asking about the stools, might be trouble. Everyone is stonewalling them. They went away. That was close.

Uh oh again. Managers coming. More trouble. They're having a little conference. Got my head down. They confiscated the stools. If they review the security cameras I'm busted.

Now we stand. They also moved our line. We may be on probation. One more funny move and we're out a here. It's now 1:30.

People are getting nervous. They now fear since we moved we aren't in the correct place. The guy in the back of the line is saying he's in the front. They're calling the manager back.

Ok manager Jo, female, made her appearance and they made her say to everyone in line what this line is for and where it starts. Jesh. It's now 2:00

Holy cow manager Jo is back and she says they have 37 laptops and for everyone to calm down.

Manager Jo is back again. We have officially become the trouble makers. Dang stool scam backfired. She is making the lady sitting in the Sponge Bob chair put it away. She claims it's a safety hazard. She told everyone in line they cannot sit on the floor. Little does she know I would gnaw off my feet and stand on my bloody ankles before sitting on this floor.

If you are in line you have to be standing. I always knew the endurance I built up selling newspapers as a teenager would pay off. I'm a stalwart.

The laptops are here. Everyone is counting. Now they are counting the people in line. It's 2:30. We have confirmed manager Jo's numbers and 37 is correct. Now we wait.

Or not. Everyone’s wondering if it's wi-fi.

I checked it out on my phone and it is. I'm the hero again. But this crowd can turn in a heartbeat.

Now every time someone from the back of the row walks up, they eyeball them all the up and back

Just got word from the TV section that their stools were taken as well. Tonya is back there getting a TV.

Manager Jo back. She just threw down the one laptop per person gauntlet. Now everyone’s fired up again. 3:00

I saw this coming a couple hours ago and since I needed 2 (btw, neither was for myself, but for friends kids) I started talking Kentucky basketball with the guy behind me. And no one can talk UK basketball like me. I mean 7 national championships, 13 final fours, 42 SEC Championships, 25 SEC tournament championships, most wins all-time. It's like a recording in my brain. I hit play and my mouth just starts talking. I could go on and on. Rupps Runts, Fab Five, Untouchables, Comeback Cats. You get the idea. I dazzle him with stats of things he's never even thought about. He is here with his girlfriend and doesn't want one she does. He's grabbing the 2nd for me. Its 3:10.

We are in the frozen food aisle and the girl behind me notices that Kellogg is having an eggo waffle shortage. She heard it on the radio and didn't believe but now she knows it's true. I fake interest because I need her boyfriend Johnny to get my 2nd laptop.

Btw way while he was gone she confided in me that she calls him Bravo after the cartoon Johnny Bravo.

We now have 2 of Wal-Mart’s finest guarding the laptops. It became apparent we were not mature enough to stand in line.

I just received word that they are sitting down in TVs. I announce it through the line and now everyone is mad again and threatening to sit down.

They just announced all sales associates in the building except the 2 guys watching our row to come up front for a meeting. 90 minutes to go.

Manager Jo's back. She is handing out tickets. If you have to go to the restroom you have to give the guard your ticket and you have 15 minutes or you lose your spot.

My buddy and I both have tickets and now they are making us get in a straight line and they are counting us. Also if you don't have a ticket you have to get out of line.

I know you must think I'm making this up but it is all happening.

Uh oh Johnny's girlfriend wants him to leave and get her mom a gps. Come on Bravo be strong for me. I'm going to bribe him. Hold on. 80 minutes to go.

I made a little small talk. Bravo is standing tall. I slipped him a 20.

58 minutes to go and people are starting to say they will never do this again.

Now that there are as many people as laptops everyone has calmed down slightly.

Holy cow I turned around and Bravo's gone. I think the 20 oz coffee got to him.

Bravo's back. He needed an energy drink. 47 minutes.

We now have 4 people guarding the laptops.

It's 5:00 time to go.

Ok the lines moving.

I got them both. 5:04

Time to find the wife.

Checking out now. 5:45

Time for breakfast and bed.

Black Friday 2009

2009-11-12T23:40:00.009-05:00

I remember that first morning outside KB Toys 10 years ago. The store opened up at 6 and I got there at 5:45, thinking I knew everything. After I got into the store at 7, I picked up the things I could still get and went to the cash register thinking this ain't so bad. People complain about the crowds, lines, wait, but I got all my stuff in 1:15 and was one person away from checking out when it happened. A store employee tapped me on the shoulder. That single incident is why we are here now. Because what she told me has scarred me to this day. She said sir, you need to get in line to check out. I said, I'm good right here. She said No, you're at the cash register, you need to get in the line to get in the line at the cash register. I had wondered why all those people were standing against the wall, but I thought they were waiting for something else. The line stretched around the perimeter of the store from the front to the back to the side to the front. It took me 2 hours to check out. This gave me a lot of time to think, since I don't usually converse with strangers. And I thought, and I thought, and I thought, there must be a better way to do this.

Well another year has come and gone and just like Microsoft it's time for another edition. This how to shop on Black Friday 2009. I used to say I was not an expert on this, but let's not kid ourselves anymore and get rid of the false humility. I am an expert on "How to" on the day after Thanksgiving along with a lot of other things that we aren't going into today. But let's say you need a good deal on a tractor, I'm your guy. I earned Black Friday expertise status in 2004, when I camped outside Best Buy for my boys Playstation 2 in the rain while sitting in a fold up chair wearing a poncho. Or was it when I withstood the sleet of 2002 at Toys-r-us. Could have been in 2007 at Circuit City, all I remember was it was cold and the people around me must have thought talking would keep you warm because they did not shut up for a second in 3 hours. But enough about me there's plenty of time for that. Let's get on with the 4th edition of How to Shop on Black Friday. The rules have changed somewhat since last year, when an employee of Walmart was killed in a stampede in New York. Walmart has changed the way they do business in an effort to control the mobs, but actually just not get sued again.

Now don't believe all the bad stuff you hear about this day. I absolutely despise shopping but have a great time, so try it at least once for yourself. Also, you are not going to get everything on your list so shoot for 50% and anything over that is a bonus. You ask, oh Great Teacher, how is this possible. Follow the rules below young grasshopper and soon the student may become the master(that's Kung Fu, for the under 30 crowd).

The biggest and best shopping day by far is Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. It has the name because up until then retailers books are in the red, that means negative until this day. Most stores run sales that are somewhat extreme, in an effort to get you in there with hopes you will buy more, and you will if you aren't careful. I went to Best Buy a few years ago with the intention of getting a PS2 and some games and spent $1000. These kinds of thing will happen if you don't have a plan. So from start to finish this is how you can proceed without buying a $1000 PS2.

First thing you do Thanksgiving is buy a newspaper. Do this early, before 9, because stores will run out and you will spend $20 in gas trying to find one. When you get a newspaper buy more than one. Why, first because the paper is only $1. Second you don't want to share with your spouse or kids. This may seem selfish, but it is the only way to go and this point is nonnegotiable and this is why. You are going to subject this newspaper to the most inhumane conditions possible. It will be flipped through, wadded up, dropped, thrown, rained on, crumpled, yes crumpled, more than any paper should. Depending on how aggressive you are, you may actually be reading this thing in the emergency room because someone stupid knocked over a pile of DVD players on you and you need stitches. So buy a newspaper for everyone that will be looking at the paper. We get two, because it is only the wife and I.

After you get "your" newspaper, put it away until you have time to go through it. If not this is what's going to happen. Your cheap (pick one), brother, cousin, sister, in-law, etc. is going to see it while you are busy serving them your food and they will rummage through it like an animal in a dumpster and you will be left with a mess. This is a bad way to start Black Friday. Once the freeloader express has left your house, you can sit down and go through the ads in an orderly fashion.

Now the next guideline is almost impossible but it's worth a try. Look at the same ad as whoever you are going with at the same time. This is a good time for that communication thing with your loved one(s). Also you can share with them things you might want in an effort to maximize your Christmas experience. You should always tell people what you would like for special occasions. This way if you don't get it you can blame them and say "I told you I wanted a sweater". After all the meaning of life is to always push blame on people that are not you and if you say something stupid like "I don't care what you get me, I'm sure I'll like it", you are going to get a crappy gift and it is your fault. Now if you are paying attention when you go through the ads it will become clear where you should begin your plight. You now have the beginning of a great plan. Make a list of everything you want and circle it in the ads. You need to circle it, don't question the master, if you're not going to follow the instructions go read someone else's blog. Trust me, when hoards of people are rushing by you at your first stop because you're fumbling though your ads looking for the $59.99 gps, you will wish you circled it.

Something to consider is the weather, because you will need to get to the store 2 hours before they open if you want to get the best bang for your buck. If this is a problem, you should stay home. If it is going to be very cold, raining, snowing, and you don't like those things, find a store that will be open before the sale starts. Some, but not all 24 hour stores are open before the sale starts and you can wait inside until the sale starts. Meijer is usually open, as most Malls. Wal-Mart is open this year, as a matter of fact they are not closing most of them Thanksgiving. But, you should call ahead of time to the store you are going to and quiz them. Find out everything you can. Best Buy will pass out vouchers for some of their door buster sales (although after the stampede at Wal-Mart, look for most stores to stay away from calling anything a Door Buster this year) to the people in line, to keep the crowd under somewhat control. If you have to go to a Best Buy and it's raining make your husband wait in line while you sleep in the car. On the surface this too may seem selfish, but this entire day is about maximizing. Explain to him that once in the store his job will be to get in line early while you finish the shopping list. Men are always more productive when you give them an assignment that they feel is important. Once again we have maximized our assets. If you don't have a husband, find a man, get him extremely drunk and place him in line at Best Buy in a comfortable chair and he will probably not wake up until you are long gone. Either way, mission accomplished. But it is best to go with a partner, man, woman, etc. Also, make sure your phone is charged and you have it with you, both are important.

Now that we have figured out where we are going, we are going to test your Black Friday knowledge. If you chose any hardware store, Radio Shack, Walgreens, Sears, automotive stores to start with, start over. These stores do not offer you the bang for the buck we are looking for. Now don't freak out because you can get good stuff at Sears. This is the deal with them, because most people will go to Sears for one reason and if you go there for any other reason you really needed to read this, TOOLS. The great thing about Sears is they make their own tools, and they make a lot of them so they usually don't run out. This not a guarantee so don't freak out if they run out of digital torpedo levels and you don't get one. If you get 50% of the stuff you set out for you are doing good. Also, in case you're not hip on tools, Craftsman hand tools are a very good brand to buy because they are guaranteed for life. A hand tool is something where your hand does the work, like a screwdriver. Don't confuse this with a drill because you hold it with your hand, that would be a power tool, and not guaranteed for life and cheaper elsewhere. But some guys like everything to be Craftsman and that's all right too.

Now we have definitely figured out our starting point, go to bed (read the rest of this first). Get as much sleep as possible. Wake up 3 hours before your first store opens, get ready, get in line. This is what you will need to take. Dress for the occasion. If it is cold, dress twice as warm as you normally would. This is because you are old and you don't go outside when it's cold any longer than walking to your car. This is not a fashion show so dress warm. If you own coveralls, wear them, if not borrow them. Hat, gloves, warm boots, two pair of socks, scarf. You should take YOUR SALES ADS, a chair, coffee, hot chocolate, food, cell phones, CASH (you do not want a credit card glitch or debit card daily limit to mess up your day, plus some stores have registers that accept only cash and you can get out quicker). You will need to go to the bank Wednesday and get money because it's closed Thursday, duh, that's Thanksgiving. Two hours pass a lot quicker with these things. Now depending on who you are going with bring the following items also.

MAN-WOMAN - bring a dvd player, mp3 player, newspaper, a book, magazine.

MAN-MAN – two of everything above

WOMAN-WOMAN – nothing you will talk for two hours like it's nothing.

15 minutes before the store opens one of you take everything to the car.

OK, now the fun starts, the store opens. At this moment you have these things with you. Your list, this particular store's ad, money. Once you get in do not rely on your familiarity with the store because sale items could be piled anywhere there is room, find an associate and ask him/her where everything on your list is. Don't show them your list, show them the ad and point to the photo in the ad and tell them what it is. Don't be afraid to put them to work by asking them to go get something for you, but beware you may never see that person again. Now it's important you pick out an associate that looks like they:

1. Speak English, unless you speak their language as well

2. Worked there longer than a week

3. An older person, 30 and up. Male or female doesn't matter. Men tend to know where more things are, women are likely to help you more, you can make up your own mind.

This may seem to take longer, but you have now identified where your items are and can find them and leave. One of the keys to a successful day is getting out of the first store fast and moving on. Once you and your partner get within a few items one of you has got to get in line while the other finishes. If your turn in line comes up before your partner returns just let people in front of you. If an associate says you can't do that, first try to ignore them, if that doesn't work agree with them and do it anyway while getting on the phone with your partner and hurrying them up. The idea is to get out of the first store within 15 minutes of it opening. You're now off to the next store.

Now most stores have multiple locations so if you plan on going to Meijer then Wal-Mart, shop at the locations that are close together. May seem simple but many people don't think ahead when there are $3 dvd's on sale.

Once at the second store, one of you get in the checkout line while the other starts with their list. You use the same formula of finding an associate and getting the location of everything. You will be here for a lot longer because the line is going to be long. If it appears you will be in line for a lengthy period of time(more than an hour) a great approach would be to take all your merchandise and hide it in the store and come back after the next store. Now this is going to require some common sense. You want to hide your stuff in an area that there isn't much traffic or likelihood of someone buying the stuff you hide your stuff behind, thus finding your stuff. Do not try to hide stuff in restrooms or areas of the store you should not be in, this may result in your arrest and end Black Friday for you. An example of a good place in Wal-Mart to hide something would be automotive, hardware, or where they sell cloth for sewing. Before you hide your stuff make sure there isn't a register open in an obscure department where no one is in line. Also make sure you return to the store before the early bird sale is over, thus defeating your purpose.

Now on to the third store. At this point you can count on only getting 1 or 2 things on your list. By now you have been shopping for about an hour to an hour and a half. Look for the stuff on your list scope out checkout lines, do what you need to do to get out of the store.

Once you go to all the big name places on your list it is a good time to go to the stores you were supposed to stay away from at the start, but keep your eye on the clock, remember by now we got stuff hidden all over this end of town that we have to get before the early bird sale ends. Sears is a good pick here. If you go there they have good sales on tools and shoes. I always buy a pair of tennis shoes at Sears. Use the checkout line in electronics or appliances, no one buys stuff from that department at Sears on this particular day and it's a quick exit. After this you can go back to the stores you have hidden stuff, the lines should be more realistic now and you can get the rest of your stuff.

Some final tips on Black Friday shopping

1. Go to www.bfads.net to look at the ads before they come out and give yourself more time to decide where you will be going. These start popping up in October and are added to as Black Friday approaches.

2. Be nice to everyone. We are all paying $3 a gallon for gas and milk and we are all in this together. There is no reason to be rude to people shopping and especially people working. There is not enough money to get me to work at a store on this day. If they are out of what you wanted, it is what it is and you should move on. I have never had a confrontation in the many times I have done this over any items.

3. Best Buy sometimes(nothing in this tutorial is guaranteed) gives out doughnuts and coffee before they open. They also open the doors and let twice the legal limit of people in the store.

4. Call everyone you know that's going on this day and stay in communication with them to see if they can save you a trip to a store you are only getting one thing.

5. Don't get frustrated because you didn't get the big thing you wanted. There are no guarantees on this day so be excited about the stuff you got, because you should have saved enough money to buy the thing you didn't get for the regular price and still save money.

6. Thank God you don't work in retail this day.

Good Luck and Have Fun

The News

2009-03-05T21:15:00.004-05:00

Paul Aurandt was born September 4^th 1918 to the parents Harry and Anna in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At the age of 3 Paul's father was murdered and he grew up without a dad. Growing up in the 20's he spent a lot of time, as did most boys, building radios. Since the invention of home television wasn't a common item until the later 40's, radios were the place to receive news from around the world, more on that later. In high school Paul began working at the local radio station, not for money, just as a place to hang out. As a matter of fact he spent so much time at KVOO they eventually put him on the payroll, first as a janitor, then reading commercials and filling in for people.

Paul later took a job at KXOK in Missouri where he met and married Lynne Cooper, although he never called her anything but Angel. Angel it turns out was not your typical stay at home mom. After Paul's short stint in the military, during WWII, the couple moved to Chicago. It was there Angel produced and Paul delivered the news at 10 pm, thus marking the beginning of nightly news we all watch now at 11. Paul and Angel eventually began their own news show, which is still airing today 60 years later on over 1200 stations and 25 million listeners.

Paul has been to the White House more than once and known for his staunch conservatism, he also wasn't afraid to tell people Republican or Democrat what he thought. He told Nixon on his expansion of the Vietnam War into Cambodia, Mr. Nixon, I love you but you're wrong. He was also good friends with President Reagan. He called President Clinton ``like a repentant drunk. They're the nicest guys in the world when they're trying to make up for their excesses."

Angel went on to become the first producer ever inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. Paul's list of awards includes, Salesman of the Year, Commentator of the Year, Person of the Year, Father of the Year, American of the Year, and also the Presidential Medal of Freedom Award (which is the highest award a civilian can receive).

Angel died of leukemia last year and up until last week Paul had been in and out of the hospital since. Paul Aurandt died February 28^th 2009 at the age of 90. Although you probably remember him by his middle name he used as his last, Paul Harvey. I grew up listening to Mr. Harvey on the radio. I have laughed with him, shared his disgust, and agreed with him more often than not. America has lost one of its finest citizens of our time and in its history.

And now you know the rest of the story.

How Big

2009-02-02T13:17:00.003-05:00

How big a generator do you need? With all the recent issues with electricity more and more people are interested in buying generators to temporarily power their homes during outages. Buying a generator can be confusing as well as expensive. So before we go any farther one side note, if you read this and kill yourself it's not my fault. All electrical work should be completed by a licensed electrician.

GENERATORS GO OUTSIDE! This is important, you could and probably will die if you use one inside.

Now I'll make this as short as possible. The size generator you need will depend on your electrical needs. Generators are rated in watts. So if you knew the watts you needed you could add those up and get close. So I will give you 3 scenarios to choose from. Anything else will cost you extra.

First we need to understand the triangle of life. Get a piece of paper and draw an equilateral triangle (3 sides all the same length). You will have three points to your triangle, write these 3 words there. Good, Fast, Cheap. Now you are allowed to pick a line. Your line will have 2 words on the end of it. Either good and fast, fast and cheap, or cheap and good. This will relate to almost every purchase you ever make in life.

For our purpose, if you buy a generator the day after electric goes off, you will get fast and cheap, or fast and good. A fast, cheap generator will probably kill you, so you go with fast and good. So it's not going to be cheap. Everyone understand so far?

Now as for the size, what are your needs.

I need everything, I want it to be like the power never went off. I am a big baby and need my blow dryer, air conditioner, hot water, blah, blah blah. You need a whole house generator. This would be between 12-20 kw and cost about $3000-$8000, plus installation of about $5000. When your electric goes off you start it up and keep putting fuel in it as needed. You don't miss a beat.
I need a light, and a radio. You could get by with a 1000 watt or 1KW generator. This is about $200-$400, depending on when you get it(during or not during a power outage). A 1KW will work about 10-60 watt light bulbs and a radio/tv safely.
If you can't afford #1 and need more than #2, you should opt for a 5500-7000 watt generator. These will sell for $500-$1000 when there isn't a power outage. With this you can power up around 10 lights, gas furnace or 1 space heater, tv, microwave and a few other small items, computer, laptop. This is what most people choose.

What else you may need:

You want heavy duty extension cords. All cords are not equal and you need to buy 12 gauge cords and they are expensive. They run about $60 each for a 100 foot cord. What most people do is buy a cheap one and plug in a space heater. Space heater use an enormous amount of electricity, about 2 times what a gas furnace uses. The cord becomes warm because it is overloaded and may cause a fire that could, yes, kill you.

Power strips/surge suppressors are a good idea to keep you from overloading your extension cord.

5 gallon gas tanks, always turn it off the generator and let it cool down before filling. A 5500 watt will usually use about 15 gallons a day. So you want 3 gas tanks to keep from running back and forth more than 1 time a day.

Flashlight, for when it is 3 am and your generator runs out.

Finally electricity is no joke. You should pay an electrician to come over and review your power outage plan, after you make one. Show him/her where your generator will go, your fuel, all places you will run cords. Talk to them about provisions for the gas furnace. Anything else that may be specific to your situation. This should cost you about $150 or approximately 1/30 of the amount of your funeral, not counting the tombstone.

Below is an estimate of power consumption in watts, but most things that plug in have labels that will tell you. If your label has amperage instead of watts, multiply it by the voltage supplied, usually 120, this will give you watts.

Microwave		1500
TV		300
Washer		500
Electric Dryer		4000
Gas Furnace		1000
Gas Stove		200
Space Heater		1500
Lights		60-100
Water Heater		2000
Electric Stove		10000
AC		5000
Refrigerator		540
Computer		150

Shepherdsville Rules

2009-01-03T09:12:00.002-05:00

Growing up in Shepherdsville gives person a whole new set of rules to live by. Before I go into these I would like to start by writing my disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I, Ralph Hall, spent my farmidable, I mean formidable years growing up in Shepherdsville. Doing so gives me the right to poke fun or josh with, but never say, I got your goat. You could be shot at for that. So I am immune from any punishment. Living in Shepherdsville for darn near 20 years has given me the right to do this. It also permits me to say, darn near, about anything close to actuality.

We moved to Shepherdsville in 1975 and I was 8 years old then. One thing I noticed right away was there was a lot more grass to cut there, darn near an acre. That didn't sit well with me. There was also not as many people. As a matter of fact, stray dogs outnumbered people in Shepherdsville 2-1 in 1977. I had 2 friends and they were both older, plus a brother. So there were 4 boys in the neighborhood and choosing up teams did not take long.

Rule # 1: is everybody has to have a pet. Now I don't mean each family, I mean everybody in the family has their own pet. Shepherdsville authorities prefer you have different types of pets and that there is a 1 to 1 ratio of outside to inside pets at each house. From 1975-86, these are the names of my pets. Please remember this is not an exhaustive list, just then ones I can remember. Buttons, Brutis, Buttons (part 2), Fritz, Daffy, Mctabish, Porky, Gizmo, Gertie. There was also a stray we named Nipper. I won't say which one, but one of my parents and me loaded that mutt up in a Vega station wagon and dropped him off in a different neighborhood. Now I guess that doesn't sound like a whole lot, but those were just the dogs. We also had cats, too many to name or remember, rabbits, fish, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, turtles, crawfish, chickens and ducks. Brutis loved the ducks, as a matter of fact he thought they were delicious.

Rule #2: You can actually own a sh*tload of something. I remember in the third grade at Show and Tell. That was mostly Tell, more than Show for me. After I brought the crawfish and leaches(oh yeah I had leaches as pets too) to show and tell in a shoe box it basically became a special rule for me and the other kids labeled as semi-disturbed to just tell stories at Show and Tell. When it was my turn I said my dad bought a riding mower this weekend. Mrs. Armstrong said Ralph you all must have a sh*tload of riding mowers by now. Growing up I thought it was normal to have 4 or 5 of everything.

Rule #3: Eight grade is mandatory. They didn't care what the heck happened to you after that, but if you didn't pass Music and PE in 8^th grade, you didn't pass 8^th grade.

Rule #4: Christmas shopping can all be done at flea markets and yardsales (also yardsale is 1 word if you are from Shepherdsville). Now I'm not saying my parents did this, we got a sh*tload of new stuff every year. But I remember being at the flea market with my grandpa and hearing other people saying let's get that and give it to so and so for Christmas.

Rule #5: Everyone must hunt deer. I tried this 1 year 3 times. It was not for me, I got cold and went back home in time for my mom to fix me breakfast. But everyone has to do this at least 1 time.

Rule #6: Everyone must also have a yardsale 2 times per year. You were also required to visit your neighbors yardsale and mull over the sh*tload of junk they dragged into their front yard.

Rule #7: Garbage pickup is optional. Not that we did because we did not, but you could pile all your trash up and take it to the dump for $5 a truckload once or twice a year.

Rule #8: Bringing a hand gun to a Little League game was ok. When I was 9 my coach brought a pistol to a game at Nichols Elementary just in case things got out of hand.

The good thing about Shepherdsville was there were only 8 rules. I guess they thought that was darn near enough and if they had a sh*tload of them you wouldn't follow the rules.

Election Day

2008-10-29T21:49:00.007-04:00

I have to say this. Folks we are being sold a false bill of goods. I am not only going to talk about it I will prove it. In 1976 Jimmy Carter ran for President preaching, literally, about the economy, and energy conservation. By the time he left office, he did little to help either, is consistently ranked by the few people smarter than me as one of the worst Presidents we ever had, and made us the laughing stock of the world by letting non-world power, Iran, hold our hostages for over a year. In 1992, one year after George Bush part 1 successfully liberating an innocent country from a ruthless dictator, Bill Clinton won the Presidency by speaking of the economy and health care or lack of. I specifically remember him holding up an insurance card saying by the end of next year he would put one of these in every American's hands. That was 16 years ago and less people have health care now than then. Bill Clinton left office after being impeached for lying to a federal grand jury. Yes, that's right, he was impeached. There have been 2 presidents impeached out of the 43 we have had. The other being Andrew Johnson, if you thought it was Nixon, it was not. He resigned for being stupid, basically, or at least doing a stupid thing.

Now enter the Obama era. Barack is running on economy, health care, and energy conservation. All good stuff, and things we need to work on. He says we need change, no kidding, we know that. He has just done a better job selling change and he should win. I think the only reason he wouldn't win is because America is full of racists and they will back out of supporting him at the last second. Look if you want someone to lie to you go somewhere else or watch a political ad.

Is John McCain the answer? That depends on the question. Let's look at the facts. Obama and McCain have both served in the Senate while their party was in control of the Senate. Did either fix the problems they are talking about now, then? No, it's been screwed up since shortly after the first generation of Presidents went through office, somewhere probably around James Polk. Now for all of you that just loved President Polk, don't write me, I don't care. I'm just saying it's been screwed up along time. You see, our country was fought for by Washington, Jefferson, Adams against the British because they wanted something better. Somewhere though we lost their vision on what America should be. Now we are, as we usually are, stuck with 2 people we don't like and will pick one Tuesday.

So if no candidate is the answer to our problems what should we do. I think the answer is much simpler than we believe. Let's look at what we know. We know that while Carter was President our hostages were held by a much smaller country, in every sense, for over a year. While Clinton was in office, terrorists attended flight school in the United States and planned an attack, the only one ever by a foreign entity, against the Untied States on our soil since Pearl Harbor.

When Reagan was President Iran sent our hostages home hours after he took office. When George H.W. Bush was President, Kuwait was liberated in a 2 day military air and ground assault. When George W. Bush was President he vowed he would take the fight to the terrorist, not let them come to us again. And they have not.

It is at this point you have to ask yourself these questions.

Will either candidate fix health care?

Will either fix the economy?

Will either fix the energy crisis?

Well, did Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush part 1, Clinton, Bush part 2. The answer is obviously No. Will McCain or Obama? If they would as President they already would have as Senators.

Look folks, stuff costs more cause stuff just cost more. And guess what, next year, no matter who we elect, it will cost more. Stuff cost more every year, it's called inflation, look it up.

But which one do you feel safer with? Which one do you feel safer sending your children to school with? Going to any public place with?

I think the answer is clear. John McCain fought for what this country believed like Washington, Jefferson, and Adams, and he would again.

I'd rather punch a bully in the mouth, than get smacked in the back of the head when I'm not looking.

I'm Ralph Hall Jr. and I approved this message.

Tax Dollars

2008-09-04T21:58:00.007-04:00

I am convinced our government is one of the most complex organizations in the world, and was designed to be a well-oiled machine. The problem is the system is implemented by people who screw it up. These Government Workers (GW) are told by their computers what to do and if they would do what the computer says everything would be fine. But for some reason they find it hard to take simple instructions and louse it up for everyone.

Now I am not bashing GW alone, people are in general seem to be on a steady downward slope of intelligence. So don’t write me because your brother-in-law is some whiz at the Sheriff’s department because I don’t care and it isn’t relevant to this.

A little “true story” example of our Government: My wife, Tonya, and I go to the courthouse, actually the department of motor vehicles (DMV) to renew our vehicle tags and drivers licenses’. I had no problem, Tonya went to do hers and they would not renew it because the DMV’s computer said Department of Social Security (DSS) would not allow them to renew her. I asked if we could call the DSS and they said yes but it won’t do you any good because their computers are down. Since these are the same computers that tell these GW what to do, no one there could help us. The folks at the DMV offered Tonya a 90-day license and say if we don’t clear this up with the DSS they would revoke Tonya’s license. OK, well we would have to deal with that another day when the people at the DSS had computers to tell them what to do.

So, we went over to the Sheriff’s office to get an out-of-state vehicle inspection done on a car we bought from a guy in St. Louis (extremely long story we are not touching on right now). Amazingly enough that went over without a hitch. We stroll over to County Clerks Office (CCO), with all our happy little papers and wait, I’m sure you’ve been there. Our turn comes and we excitedly approach the very un-personable lady(now I’m not saying they’re all mean. Don’t write me because your cousin Charlene works at the Splitfork Co. DMV and was voted sweetest worker of the year 3 times in a row, I don’t care, I’m just saying this lady was not friendly) and say, we would like to renew the tags on our vehicles, change our addresses, and register the car the Sheriff’s office just inspected. Oh and by the way, my beautiful wife wants the KY Horse License Plate (KHLP). Well now the lady is mad because this is more work than she had planned on doing so she has a little attitude. She asks for our notarized copy stating how much we paid for the out-of-state car. I provide her that, but ohh, it’s not on the right piece of paper. Evidently, the Commonwealth of Kentucky has there own special form you must fill out and have notarized, otherwise you must pay sales tax on the estimated value of the car according to their computer. I ask the GW, what’s the difference in the amount of money I have to pay? She says something like $25, would you like to come back and do this when you get the right form? Hmm, I thought, let me see, do I want to find a guy in St. Louis, mail him a document and ask him to get it notarized, mail it back to me and then come back up here, or do I want to pay $25. I said I’ll take door number 2, here’s the $25. What’s next? She then asks for my license plate, so I can exchange it for the KHLP, I said I don’t have it, she said without it she could not give me the KHLP. I said why. Well she didn’t know why, but I am assuming that’s what her computer told her to say so I decided not to argue.

I drive back home, because remember I was in the car that needed to get inspected, not the one that got the KHLP, to get the plate and returned. I wait in line and was fortunate enough to get the same lady and she says how can I help you? I thought, what am I wearing a costume, I was just here. I hand the lady my papers and tell her I would like to KHLP. She says OK, and goes to the secret room where they keep the KHLP and comes back and says we’re out of them. I guess the computer doesn’t keep track of how many they actually have, so no one could have possibly known they were out. She apologized and said this should never happen. I thought, well no sh*t (remember I said “I thought” I didn’t say it, the CCO is close to jail so you don’t do anything stupid there). Not only do they not have it, but we cannot even get one when they do because once you renew you can’t change plates until the next renewal. So I settle for just the tag and get to go back home and put my old license plate back on my car.

Now we still have that matter of Tonya’s driver’s license to clear up. She goes to the DSS and they tell her she has the wrong name on her license and she needs to bring in her marriage license to prove her name. Tonya tells me this and I say ok, let’s get the license and take it up there. She asks me where it is and I say I thought you put it up, but she thought I did. No problem, we’ll just go to the CCO, they can look it up on their computer and get a copy for a few bucks and put this all behind us. Off to the CCO we go and the computer has no record of us getting married and that must be right because it’s a computer and if it were wrong then everything these people ever would have done would also be wrong. I said we did, because we had a real preacher and everything, Tonya said yes and we took pictures too. Well the computer says you did not.

Meanwhile another little government agency known as the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) sends us a letter. The IRS computer says, since we are not legally married we cannot file as a married couple and claim three children. They say to clear all this up, send us a copy of your taxes for the last 2 years, all supporting documentation, birth certificates of all kids, divorce decrees, and oh yeah a copy of your marriage license. Well, son-of-a-gun, if I had a marriage license, none of this would have happened.

Tonya remembers making a copy of it though and giving it to her employer for insurance purposes and they make us a copy and we stroll down to the marriage license place and show it to them. Well, they look up the number on the certificate in their computer and wouldn’t you know it, we were married, but the dummy that input our information into the CCO computer had inserted our middle names where our first name was supposed to be. Well this presents a problem, because no one ever asked us anything but our first and last names. So the CCO apologizes, actually they said “we would like to apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.” Now if you say you would like to apologize, does that really mean “I apologize”, or does it mean “I would like to apologize but I’m not”. And not just that, but did you catch the end where they said “this may have caused you” not “we may have caused you”. So we mail the IRS our stuff along with a letter and Tonya makes a trip to the DSS and they get her name right in the computer.

About two months later we get a letter from the IRS(actually every time the IRS sent us a letter they came in pairs, one for Tonya and one for me I guess, since they both had the same names on them I don’t know. We got two letters on four different occasions from the IRS, the first pair for the audit, the second saying they received our papers, the third saying we are still working on it, and the fourth closing the case). The letter stated “Thank you for your assistance with this and we have closed your case,” and get this, “we apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.” Ladies and Gentlemen, This is what your taxes pay for.

Shepherdsville 2008

2008-08-19T21:13:00.008-04:00

Folks once again it’s time for the Olympics. First of all I don’t think it’s a good idea that McDonalds is one of our biggest sponsors. That’s like Paris Hilton promoting virginity. The gold medal stand is not built out of Big Macs.

I’m sure if you’ve watched these games you’ll notice the favoritism shown to the host country, believe it or not that’s a good thing since that’s always the way it is and the US hosts the games more than any other country. But what if the Olympic committee got together and said let’s set the sight for the 2008 games in Shepherdsville. Now if you’ve been paying attention you remember that there is only one Shepherdsville, and it’s in Kentucky. Now I’m basically from Shepherdsville and if I want to make fun of it I can and will.

So the Mayor and the City Council get together and come up with a plan. First thang we gotta do is cancel all dat swimming stuff cause the pool ain’t bigga enuff. So sorry Michael Phelps, you won’t be needed here. They figure they can still do most of the diving stuff down at Wilson Creek by attaching a diving board to the bridge, if we get good rain in the Sprang.

Now canceling the swimming events is going to leave a big hole in the competition. So ladies and gentleman, here is the Top Ten Substitutive Olympic games if they’re held in Shepherdsville.

10. Tobaccor spitting contest

9. Fat man sweating competition

8. Loudest car stereo contest

7. Demolition Derby

6. Greased Pig Catching

5. Mud Bog

4. Tractor Pull

3. Corn on the Cob eating contest

2. Burping the alphabet

1. How many people can you fit in the back of a pickup truck. This will definitely be won by a group of Mexicans. The only problem is we won’t know what country they represent.

GO USA

Say What

2008-08-16T06:53:00.009-04:00

I remember the first time I heard it. Just Do It. I thought do what? Well the answer is obvious isn’t it? Do IT. Why am I doing it though, just to do it, I don’t think so. Now, I am one of Michael Jordan’s biggest fans. I was smart enough to realize he is the best basketball player in history, present and future. By the way, this is an undisputable fact, and if you think otherwise you are wrong. I liked Mike and I watched Mike, every chance I got. I saw the Nike commercials a lot (by the way “a lot” is 2 words, gosh that makes me mad when people screw this up). But this Just Do It. That’s dumb. That could apply to anything. He buy these shoes and when you rob a bank you can run faster and get away, Just Do It. Well I Just Didn’t Get It.

Nike has pounded this into our brain for about 15-20 years, sorry that’s as close as I can find without doing a research paper to get the birth of this. We all went along with it too (by the way, ”along” is 1 word, this doesn’t bother me at all because I never thought about it until now).

But Nike isn’t the only company with some motto that makes no sense. Now motto and slogan are almost the same thing and I am calling it a motto so get over it. We are full of these, chocked full of these dare I say. I walked by a UPS truck today, you know the whole “What can brown do for you” (WCBDFY) people. Now, WCBDFY is actually not that bad. But the truck didn’t say that, it said “Synchronizing the World of Commerce”. I need a thesaurus to understand this. That has been UPS’ motto for 5 years(I did look this up). No kidding 5 years, and I never once heard this and I bet you didn’t either. Because 5 years ago, when they dreamed this up, all I ever heard on a UPS commercial was, come on you remember? “Dale we want you to drive the truck”. They drove that down our throats with Dale Jarrett trying to get him to drive the truck in a NASCAR race, by the way it stopped being funny around commercial #2. The whole time it turns out their motto is “Synchronizing the World of Commerce”. That is better than “Complicating box moving to save our company as much money as possible so we can match the prices of the United States Postal Service.” I mean that is actually the extended definition of what the motto is.

So I got to thinking, who writes this crap, I actually said that after I read the UPS truck. I thought about other mottos. From the complex to simple, most of them make no sense or just dress up what they really do. I listed below what the mottos are of some of the things we see a lot (2 words) and what I think they actually intended.

Let’s start with government:

Los Angeles Police Department – Protect and Serve, or beat you into submission.

New York Police department – Faithful Until Death, more than likely yours.

Ba’ath Party – Yes the Ba’ath party has a motto, these are the same people who’s most famous member was Saddam Hussein - Unity, Freedom , Socialism, which translated to English means, kill your whole family.

Automobiles:

Toyota – Moving forward, unless your backing out of your driveway in a Corolla.

Ford – Quality is Job 1! or We’re broke as hell

Chevrolet – Like a Rock - makes no sense, why am I driving or would I want to drive a rock

Chrysler – Engineered Beautifully, but runs like crap, looks good broke down on the side of the road though.

I have to throw in a side bar here, I actually saw a Porsche broke down on the side of the road the other day. I didn’t recognize what it was, because I never saw one with the hood up, until I read Porsche on the back of it. Kinda like an ex-girlfriend I had. I never realized she had a drinking problem until she came home sober once.

Computers:

Dell – Easy as Dell, huh, no one, absolutely no one besides Bill Gates really knows how computers work, so nothing is easy. Example, what would we do if we turn on our computer and it doesn’t work? We take it to Best Buy and they tell us it’s outdated and we buy a new one, see they don’t know how they work either. That’s also the real reason we don’t turn them off.

Apple – Think Different, or, this computer may be better, but no one buys them, you just see them in the movies (pay attention, you will).

GateWay – Learn More/Live Better, makes a little sense, but I am smarter than George W. and he is making a fortune and I ain’t. But no one wants to kill me, at least as far as I know. I guess things have a way of evening out.

Cell phone providers:

Verizon – Can you here me? Good! - You’re joking right, you never see this guy on an elevator do you.

Sprint – Where customers come first. What a novel idea

T-Mobile – Get more, see Sprint

Retail:

Walmart – Save Money, Live Better – They should have stopped with Save Money

JC Penny’s – Every Day Matters – I have absolutely no idea what this means, someone hired their brother-in-law and put him in charge of marketing.

Macy’s – The Magic of Macy’s – Guess what folks, magic costs more.

Food:

With a name like Smuckers it has to be good. Well if it tasted like crap you could call it whatever you want and no one would buy it.

Miracle Whip - A sandwich just isn’t a sandwich without it, oh yeah, Peanut Butter and Jelly is.

Tony’s Pizza – Take Home Some Good Italian – Beats Tony Soprano showing up at your house.

Now these are just a small sample of the stupidity in the world, trust me it’s all around you just look at the people you work with. I assure you the people at Ritz Cracker are no more intelligent, their product is just on TV.

Press 1

2008-08-01T23:57:00.013-04:00

I don't know where to start with this whole press 1 for English nonsense. Call me old fashioned but I can guarantee John Wayne wouldn't have stood for it. I realize we are a melting pot, at least that's what they taught me in elementary school. But we have an official language and it's English, so we need to melt into English speaking people. Now before you call me a racist, let's get something staight. I have no problem with other races. Really, I don't know why we have races. The Bible says “When God created man, he made him in the likeness of God.” It doesn't matter to God or me if you are green, orange or purple; we have no problem with it. It also doesn't bother me when I am in Walmart and you are talking in your different language, I think it's rude, but it doesn't bother me. It does bother me when you sneak into the country and cost Americans money. What makes me mad is when I, an American who speaks the official language, pay taxes, abides by the laws governing this country (at least most of them), has to press 1 for English. But even when I do press 1 for English, the person I get barely speaks English. I had one the other day giving me a confirmation code and I actually thought she said "Z as in Debbie". Now before we go any further, let’s look at the fact we have an official language. Webster’s dictionary defines official as:

Official - prescribed or recognized as authorized e.g. an official language

Did you notice that? It even uses language as a further explanation of the word official. Now before we go further again, as you can see I don’t just make this crap up, I do research, although I am probably smart enough just to make it up, I want it to be factual. So now for example, we’re watching the Olympics ( I know you’re thinking how did he make the quantum leap to the Olympics, just be patient and read). Some 14 year old girl who has lived in the gym her whole life has just scored a perfect ten on the vault in true Mary Lou Retton form. They go to commercial and there’s a tire company and at the end they say, Goodyear, the official tire of the Olympics. Now what if Firestone said, we are a tire too and although we aren’t going to give you any sponsor dollars we want equality because that is only fair. Goodyear would sue them. See it’s official for a reason.

I believe we have 2 choices at this junture. Either we need to just cash in and start speaking Spanish, or someone in authority needs to do something. Getting back to Walmart, the one cool thing they have is the "self checkout". This enables you to get all your stuff and not have to talk to anyone. This is what I prefer, I'm not a social butterfly. I don't need meaningless casual conversation. You could say I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy. When you get to that register it gives you 2 choices, English and Spanish. I refuse to push the English button and just start checking out, this does work by the way. If, however, something changes, and I am forced to push a button, I will choose Spanish, then I will act confused and mumble the few Spanish words I know to the attendant, getting progressively angrier as the time goes by when they are unable to help me because even though they offer this service, most of them cannot speak any more Spanish than me. I can see it now I will just start yelling pollo, pollo, pollo, which means chicken. It should be quite a scene man.

Now our area grocer has circumvented this by giving you 2 choices that say "Press here to begin” and something in Spanish that's probably the same thing. This is a trick to get you to think you are not pressing 1 for English. This makes me madder, because they think they are fooling me. Well they're not; I'm wise to you Kroger. These are the same people that charge you $4 for a 2 liter if you don't have a Kroger Card, forcing you to carry that in your wallet. That's another story for another day though.

There is another thing I have noticed; most Mexican people around here are nice and very non-confrontational. I'm not buying this crap either. This is because they are probably illegal and do not want to have a brush with the law and take the chance on getting deported. I guess it's deported, even though they actually wouldn't go to a port. But think about it, when this guy gets back to San Felipe, he has to tell his friends he got kicked out of Kentucky. Now that's embarrassing. Until we get control on our border there is no fix for this problem.

Now I am not just all gloom and doom, I have a solution for getting our border secured and in the process end the war in Iraq, or at least make it where we no longer care as much. We have about 10 million illegals, most of which we can't understand. Out of those let's say 5 million are 18 and older, and are men, women whatever, we don’t care. The local police start rounding up everyone over 18 that cannot prove citizenship, put all of them on military planes to Iraq, everytime we get 10 illegals in Iraq we bring one of our boys home and put him on border patrol. We have 150,000 soldiers in Iraq and that would be more than enough to secure our southern border. Problem solved. This would also give us a good surge of troops. Just think if instead of 150,000, we have 5 million. The good thing about that is they would probably cross the border to Iran and we could take care of that for no additional charge. I think if illegals thought they would be shipped off to war they might stay in Mexico. Finally, there are over 40 countries that have sent troops to Iraq, but Mexico is not on that list. Check for yourself, Click here . Well John Wayne and I think it's time they participate.

More Plane stuff

2008-07-30T22:51:00.002-04:00

I’m not done with the whole airplane thing. I actually wrote this while I flew the other day, a short trip Milwaukee-Louisville. Now there’s probably a line of jokes for that itself, but I don’t want to explore that right now.

First of all a quick note about the wheels, they put these up too fast. I’m not totally sure we are done with them, what if we have to land again real fast, they could be helpful. They should stay down until we are at least 2 or 3 thousand feet high. I mean what’s the hurry

Next, I noticed the flight attendant( by the way they are not stewardesses anymore for some reason) was reading the safety information about the plane off a card. By the way again, I chuckled when she brought up the aisle lights. Now the lady that is reading the safety stuff off the card is the same lady that closed the door on the plane. First of all, that’s a man’s job. Not to be chauvinistic, but wouldn’t you feel better about the whole door thing if a man closed it. Well I would and that’s my opinion. I’d also feel better about it if the lady, that was conveying the safety information actually knew it and wasn’t reading it. So let me get this straight, if there is an emergency she would get out her cheat sheet and instruct everyone what to do, because with the exception of me, for material purposes only, and one anal person on the plane no one else even listened.

More on the door, the flight was delayed for 15 minutes to replace the seal on it, pretty sure that was done by a man also. But when we get on the plane the pilot said the delay would not make us late. He said we had a tailwind that would help us make up the time. Just so I’m clear on this, the wind was blowing from Milwaukee towards Louisville and that enabled us to make up 15 minutes on a 1 hour flight. Why didn’t he just say he put the pedal to the metal. How dumb has America gotten? And if he could just makeup this time why don’t they just fly as fast as they can everywhere? Probably because layovers would be longer, huh.

Now comes the drink service, why can’t I have the whole can of coke? They ask you afterwards if you want another one. I say no I want the rest of the one I already had. Well scratch that, she just gave me the whole can, now I’m confused. They also serve chocolate chip cookies on this plane, not pretzels. Now that’s a much sweeter deal, literally. Get this not only did she offer me the can but she asked me if I wanted 2 cookies. She likes me I think, not that way, but when I got on the plane I commented about how there were more people on the plane than there were coming. I said “More people leave this place than come here.” I didn’t think much of it, but it struck her funny bone and she laughed like someone was holding her down and tickling her. OK the plane descending and I’m just rambling.

Aisle Lights

2008-07-17T22:21:00.003-04:00

I went to the airport to drop off the family because I am such a control freak I had to make sure they got off ok and it got me to thinking about planes. I find it interesting that before takeoff in an airplane they go over these rules and safety regulations of the plane. I guess that’s better than saying if the plane crashes we all die though. One part I find extremely useless is the part about the aisle lights. They tell you “In the event of an emergency the aisle lights will come on and guide you out of the plane.” Well isn’t that helpful? Let’s set the stage here and see just how effective the aisle lights would be in an emergency. You’re flying let’s say 500 miles an hour, 30,000 feet above the ground, no let’s make it Hawaii, so it’s the ocean. Now according to google, 30,000 feet is approximately 5.7 miles, rounded off, or according to Triple A is equal to the distance the average American lives from Walmart (no joke, there everywhere). You are about 1 hour into a 5 hour flight from Los Angeles to Maui. Now if you passed 3rd grade math you know you are about 500 miles from the shore, cause we’re going 500 miles an hour. See learning can be fun. It’s about now the wing falls off the plane. Whereas you had two wings, you now have one. You begin a downward spiral 500 miles an hour and you are going to fall the distance of your house to Walmart. Now according to google you have somewhere in the neighborhood of 41 seconds until impact into the Pacific Ocean. Thank God the Aisle lights are on, you just might be able to see well enough to kiss you butt goodbye.

It's Time

2008-07-15T21:32:00.001-04:00

I have decided to share my wisdom with more than the select few that are on my email list. This forum will mainly be about me and my interests, but mainly me. I will discuss in painful detail the things I like and dislike. First we need to establish a set of ground rules. I will not update this everyday. I will try for once a week, but I am not holding fast to a strict regiment here. Some weeks for example might be two, some zero. It really just depends on how many idiots I run into that particular week. Don't expect me to solve all your life's problems here, I am only one man. Albeit a highly skilled, successful, charming, handsome, superbly intelligent man, but still only 1. These are all things I know about myself and have learned to deal with, now you must. Don't write requesting stats or pics or any of that other cutesy net talk some of you have developed as a first language, I'm not interested. I will accept your questions, and give them my undivided attention unless there is something better going on or on TV. But understand this is mainly about me, so if you build your questions to topics I like or just questions about me, your chances of being answered are likely to increase.